Pastor as Family Counselor

We continue our series on the roles pastors perform in congregations.

Today, the pastor as a family counselor.

If the congregation is a family, then how does the pastor act as a family counselor?

One of the primary objectives of a good family counselor is to join the system without being sucked into the anxious behaviors or thought patterns that define that system. My professor at Bethel Seminary defined differentiation as: caring deeply at a safe emotional distance.

Edwin Friedman in his book, “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix” says, “Clearly defined, non-anxious leadership promotes healthy differentiation throughout a system, while reactive, peace-at-all-costs, anxious leadership does the opposite.”

But what about a pastor deciding that they are going to offer counseling to individuals and families in the congregation. That practice is discouraged because it is what we call ‘wearing two hats.’ I think it is impossible for a pastor to be a good counselor to a member of her/his flock. Counselors often dig into the depths of human thoughts and behaviors. Would a church member want their pastor to know all of their secrets? Could a pastor unintentionally offend a parishioner by talking about a situation that was not related to that parishioner but the parishioner thought the pastor was talking about them? (it happened)!

What I’m talking about here is the pastor’s ability to recognize when a congregation (as a family system) is operating in an unhealthy manner. There are numerous examples: poor communication, multiple and overlapping emotional triangles, favoritism, forming numerous cliques, power mongering, etc. Then, what would a pastor do with that knowledge? That is where life gets interesting! The best counselors I know are the ones who can lead the client, through a process of questions, to discover for themselves that there is a problem. Then the counselor can offer some options for better ways to deal with the issue. In the background of that difficult work is the pastor/counselor who is as differentiated as they can possibly be.

Do you have questions about the pastor being in the role of a family counselor? You’re in good company: I have lots of questions too! But our encouragement is this, “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness.”

Thanks be to God!